mwball.com

8/24/06 - Championship Games Scheduled

8/28/06 4:40pm – All Boparc Games Cancled, website updated to show new schedule (mw to play at 7pm and 9pm on Tuesday).

8/28/06 5:30pm – Boparc announces only 6pm games are cancled, other teams will play.

8/29/06 9:00am – Boparc website shows new championship schedule, with MW’s gametime changed, and no game 2 listed.

8/29/06 11:21am – MW games now scheduled for 6:30pm and 7:30pm, website updated to reflect this.

My prediction: MW vs Webworks will have no umpire and wont actually start playing until 7:25.

Please post comments if you have more information to add to the timeline.

MW’s Coed team earned second place honors this weekend as they fought their way through a grueling playoff schedule that included 4 games on Sunday to make it to the championship series against Squeeze Play.

The team photo can be viewed here (not all team members were present for the photo shoot).

After a recent article that I posted was changed I felt it was my obligation to the fans of mwball.com to write an article. I was merely trying to bring some humor and enjoyment in an otherwise boring post (because clearly the game wasn’t interesting: MW 20 Suncrest Gym 7). This is when the “Iron Fist” of webmaster Scott came crashing down and altering my post.

Why was the article changed? Well, in my efforts to think of something funny, I created a nickname for Scott Koon. What is it you ask? Well, I’ll get to that point near the end of the article because I’m saving the best (or at least the purpose for the article) for last. Also I’m hoping that if you remember one thing from my article it’s Scotts nickname.

So in this fine article on this “FREEDOM OF SPEECH” website I’m going to try to think of some possible nicknames for everyone on the team. First a disclaimer, if you already have a nickname I can’t change it, nicknames stick. It’s like Michael “Air” Jordan, you can’t change his nickname. Never. Ever.

Next, nicknames must be relatively clean and you can scream them at the guy/girl without people being offended. There are little kids at the game people plus dirty nicknames are usually only funny once.

Last, you can’t nickname yourself.

So here I’ll give the people whom already have nicknames:

Jackson - “Tre” - He’s number 3, I’m assuming that’s how he got. Don’t really know how but thats what he’s called. I guess we could call him by his real name. That should be a question on mwball.com “What is Jackson’s real name?” See how many people know that one…

Johnny - “Bull” No idea how he got this either, other than he plays third base and sometimes line drives are about as scary as a bull charging at you. NOTE: I just spoke to Tom, he said he got the nickname from high school football. I was close.

Tom - “Coach” - Self-explanatory isn’t it? He’s in charge. Early in the season he was called a “homerun hitter” Ah, the glory days right Tom?

Bryan - “Wimer” or “The Wimer” - What is a Wimer? Well, its the last name of Bryan on our team. Apparently he’s like Jackson (actually, nothing like Jackson) and goes by his last name. I tried and tried to think of a nickname for him but Wimer just fits so smoothly. I may also be biased since I’ve been calling him this for like 15 years. If you have suggestions just post it in the comments box.

Now, onto the list of people who don’t have nicknames.

David Craig - Well, earlier in the season we had a practice (I wouldn’t really call it practice only me, Dave, Scott and Tom showed up, DEDICATION RIGHT THERE!) and somehow we got into a conversation of why we are on the team or how we got on the team. Dave made a comment that he was on the team because he was “sexy”. Ummm, yeah…..I’m not calling him that. Anyone who wants to thats fine, you’ll just be sitting on the bench, alone. He seem’s to be injury prone, even more than me. We could call him “E.R.”

James Sanders - I have no clue what to call him. He’s our pitcher, he pulls the ball foul all the time. Wow, absolutely nothing comes to mind. I encourage suggestions.

**James and Dave were definitely the hardest names to think of. So in my effort to please fans, I found a website that had a nickname creator (http://channelone.com/life/2002/01/16/nickname_o_matic/). James nickname came out as “Johnny Sockpuppet”, not really that funny. However Dave’s was pretty funny, how about Dave “DJ Cowboy” Craig. Why is this funny? Dave is a die-hard Cowboys fan**

Jonathan Herbert - “Slingshot” is the first thing that comes to mind. Have you ever seen him throw the ball on a double play? It’s sort of like a slingshot. Sometimes when you shoot a slingshot it’s right on target, other times not even close, it’ll shoot about 30 feet to the left or right or up or down.

Randy Herbert - “Gopher” This is easy and Randy can thank Dave for this one. Every homerun, every foul ball Randy goes and gets. “Foul ball, March Westin on that ball,” the umpire says. Gopher starts walking…

Tyler Jackson - Jackson’s (Tre) little brother. He’s going to hate this but I say “Double J” Jackson Jr. Oh yeah, he’s going to hate that. Sorry, once something is in my head its stuck there and I can’t think of anything else. We could call you Rookie since your easily the youngest guy there.

Nick Mick - Well, I can’t give myself a nickname. It’s a rule. Steve calls me “Big Mick” because I’m a Mark McGwire fan (you know, Big Mac). Suggestions can be made in the comment box and remember “Keep it clean.” Like Nick Mick is hard to rhyme with.

Now, the reason for this entire article:

Scott Koon - Scott “Coo Coo Ca-Choo” Koon. He didn’t like it so he erased it from the pages of mwball.com. So I had to put it back in just so the people know. Actually I had a couple ideas on this name:

A. Scott “Coo Coo Ca-Choo” Koon

B. Scott “Coo Coo Ca-”Koon

I don’t know which I like better. I think I prefer “A”. Just imagine when he comes up to bat “LET’S GO COO COO” or how about when he hits a homerun “Scott “Coo Coo Ca-choo” Koon with the homerun”. Oh yeah, thats sweet.

Well, that wraps up this article. I’m sure webmaster Scott is loving it right now. He’s probably wanting to erase the entire article, to control the propaganda of March Westin-ites. Sounds sort of Communistic don’t you think? We could think of a nickname along those lines. How about…Scott “Commy” Koon?

Sonic booms, tsunamis, or the occasional sperm whale belch cause mass confusion and send ripples through the space/time continuum. However, despite the strength of these phenomena of nature, there is nothing quite like feeling a disturbance in the Force. These disturbances happen once in a while; particularly after a long period of everything being in the status quo. I am not afraid to admit I felt a “ripple” Monday as I was driving down the road (and no it wasn’t that bean burrito from Taco Bell either). I could not place my finger on why the Force had shifted so drastically (remember I am not quite Darth Vader). However, Tuesday I heard the news I had been dreading to hear for so long.

“Down goes Frazier”, “Do you believe in miracles?”, “I don’t believe what I just saw” pale in comparison to the words uttered by Wimer’s profile: “March-Westin : 10-1 we totally got caught”. It was like someone had taken all the air out of the world and the Earth just engulfed itself. “March-Westin lost?”, I thought to myself. I was in total shock. It was kind of like when you finish your Calculus test in ten minutes and then get the grade back the next day and it says somewhere in the neighborhood of 35% on it. That is exactly how I felt. I just could not imagine a quality team such as March-Westin could ever lose a game.

Which brings me to my point about disturbances and the Force. There are things known as inverse proportions in the universe. The Yin and the Yang, so to speak. Well when one of them is up the other is down and vice versa. Good things happen to one while bad things happen to another. Well, apparently this March-Westin travesty began around 7 pm on Monday and I was on my way home from Oakland, Maryland around that time. At the time I paid no attention to the blue skies, and the birds chirping, and every car not being in my way on the drive home. Normally, I get behind the slowest grandma driving mini-van in three counties and he/she usually leads me right to my front door. This time, though, it was different. My path was clear and my car made it home and gasoline even dropped while I was gone.

Looking back on the whole situation knowing what I know now, it is incredibly obvious to me that all my good fortune happened because March-Westin was busy pounding out 7 hits (”7 hits? 7 goddamn hits?”, in the words of Harry Doyle). The last time I checked, 7 hits usually doesn’t win a softball game unless by some freak of nature a no-hitter is thrown (which would pretty much seal the deal that the team that got no-hit is absolutely the worst sports team to ever be assembled). What I wouldn’t give to have been behind the slow grandma just so I didn’t have to write this stupid article.

Alas, the only perfect team ever, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, have now popped the champagne TWICE this year. March-Westin must now try to be better than the ‘91 Washington Redskins who lost a mere two games the entire year on their way to winning their third Super Bowl. So, as the master of psychology that I am, I am challenging March-Westin to not be like the Atlanta Braves and just fold up; instead, be a true champion and come back and win the whole kit-an-kaboodle, all the marbles, the whole shootin’ match, the whole enchilada. You get my drift. PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY!!!!!!

You’d think a team like March-Westin, full of unlimited talent, would be assembled by searching the state far and wide. Maybe it could be assembled just by buying the best players in the league today. It works for the Yankee’s doesn’t it? Ok, bad example (but Yankee failure is a beautiful thing). I mean, you can’t possibly field an entire softball team from one town. It’s impossible; Boparc softball is just too competitive to settle for mediocre talent. March-Westin needs the best and you can’t get that from one town. Or can you?

If you drive south on I-79 you’ll come to a place full of talent, a place that March-Westin has tapped for its softball elite. Lewis County.

Go ahead and finish your “Ooo’s and Aaah’s.”

It’s a pretty safe statement to say that the heart of March-Westin softball comes from the heart of West Virginia. No, it’s not a joke. Lewis County is the geographical center of West Virginia, or as the sign in Weston states “The Heart of West Virginia”. (Ok you fact people; it isn’t REALLY the center but its pretty close, just glance at a map).

Four members of the current March-Westin team are from Lewis County: David Craig, Scott Koon, Nick Mick, and Bryan Wimer. Not enough to field a softball team but that’s 4 out of 10 people from the same county. Not to bad if you ask me. Clearly the athletic gene pool in Weston is thriving in Boparc softball.

If you go back to the fall season, when March-Westin won the championship, you could add Jennings to the list of people from Lewis County. There’s 5 out of 10. You can’t stop us…

We really are the heart of March-Westin. Look at the number 4, 5, and 6 batters; Nick, Dave, Wimer. That is the heart of the lineup for March-Westin. We need a nickname, maybe Legion of Lewis County? Call us “The Legion” for short…I’m open to suggestions. (I’m also opening up for a lot of insults here but oh well)

In fall ball Jennings batted second, Scott could bat third or seventh, we would really be the heart of the order. We Lewis Countians are taking over the team. Soon the team will be changed to March-WestOn, courtesy of “The Legion.”

Despite bringing the most negative karma I could dig up from my closet, March-Westin managed to secure another victory Monday night over Mylan. A brief history of my softball career would explain why my softball karma lies somewhere between the sixth and seventh circles of hell. For you see, I also am on the March-Westin model in the co-ed league. As people in the know would ….well…know, we are 0-0 and have yet to play an official game because of two rainouts and a botched forfeit (on which we are getting screwed but I will save that for another day). The last time I played for a March-Westin guys team, I fell into a fence and hurt my knee. Despite my hustle and desire to sacrifice my body for my team, I think we still lost. You see where I am going with this.

Now that you have a brief history of my BoParc softball playing career, let me say that now you can fully appreciate the March-Westin victory on Monday. The fact that this team banded together despite my presence shows me that their heart is bigger than….well you insert whatever you want here. All I am gonna say is that it is big. From the top of the lineup on down, hits flew at crucial times; and from home plate around the horn crucial defensive stops were made as well. I just hope no one paid any attention to that number twelve out in right field as he played not so much to win but more not to screw up.

Rain threatened the conclusion of the game throughout the day (which to one right-fielder and part-time player was no surprise). When Allison showed up I figured for sure it was going to rain because you can’t have more than four male and female teammates at a softball field before it starts raining. It’s just a proven fact. Nevertheless, the Good Lord smiled down upon Whiston Field and the Forest-Green Machine rolled another opponent.

The best efforts of regular March-Westin athletes managed to bring this fear-ridden rookie into the promised land of a clutch victory. I felt like Rube Baker in Major League 2 the whole night. Everyone knows what helped Rube overcome his anxiety problems. Which is why I think someone should provide me a subscription to Play-Boy so I can become an overall better softball player.

“If you believe you’re playing well because you’re getting laid, or because you’re not getting laid, or because you wear women’s underwear, then you are! And you should know that!”
– Crash Davis, Bull Durham

Rituals are a part of baseball/softball and since we have an undefeated season going on we must not mess with our rituals. I mean, last game, Scott, Wimer, and myself totally screwed up our ritual and we only won by one run, with a comeback win in the bottom of the 7^th inning.

So let me explain our ritual for a game that starts at 9. I have to go over to Wimer’s & Scott’s at about 7:30 – 7:45. Upon arriving I throw my gear in the back of Scott’s truck and proceed to March Westin Pre-Game headquarters. I say my “Hey what’s up?” and make my way to the deck. I go get myself a glass of water with a lot of ice (this will come into play later).

We go sit out on the deck and eat sunflower seeds and peanuts (doesn’t matter what brand, or does it??), discarding the remains in the yard. Sunflower seeds must be spit into the yard. Now, if you are eating peanuts, you must flip the shell out into the yard to see who has the longest distance (by the way Scott holds that record for flipping the longest peanut shell, ironically its about the same distance Coach Tom hits a softball).

This goes on just about until approximately 45 min until game time and at that point Wimer must be the last person to get ready (this isn’t so much a requirement as it is a fact of life). Upon his return, we take the glass of water and each of us takes an ice cube. We then toss the ice cubes at a tree in there yard to see who tosses the ice closest to it. This helps to get the competitive juices flowing. Lastly, as we go to the game Wimer must sit in the front seat while I am in the back seat. Yes, it may seem like a lot of work but when you are 7-0 you gotta do what you gotta do.

It’s not that strange when you think about it. Of course you have heard of the obvious rituals, don’t wash your socks/jersey, don’t touch the chalk when you run on the field, or eating the same pre-game meal.

I mean look at Turk Wendell formerly of the New York Mets, clearly one of the most superstitious out there. He used to have his contract end in all 9’s, and he also wore number 99. Turk also brushes his teeth and chewed licorice between every inning.

Wade Boggs would only eat chicken before a game. One time Ken Griffey Jr. sold a Mercedes that he drove to games in because he would never get a hit whenever he drove it.

So what do we have to learn from all this, other than don’t buy a Mercedes if you are a baseball/softball player?

Well, to quote Mr. Crash Davis from Bull Durham again “You don’t f— with a winning streak.”

hard-core - adj. Intensely loyal; die-hard

After struggling to try to create some idea for a column, I looked around trying to get ideas but nothing came to me. I asked friends for idea’s, I tried to think of everything softball related but nothing. Like Tom’s next homerun, my next column might be a long ways away. A long ways away? Long shots? How about I do a column on what I think are the odds of March Westin employee’s hitting homeruns? Who has the best odds of entering the “Chasing Ruth” sweepstakes? I mean seriously, if Tom can do it anyone can right?

So let’s start by saying who we know can hit it over. I’ve seen Jackson, Johnny (in practice), Jonathan (snowball tournament), and Tom (??No idea how??), and myself hit one over the fence. I’ve seen Randy hit one over the fence, only foul. Does that count? Well, I’ll give him credit since it was foul by just a few feet and I want those who haven’t stepped up to the bar to order their favorite drink… JACK, to sweat it out.

That leaves Dave, Wimer, James, Scott, and Tyler left to go deep. Excuse me while I snicker at the weaker athletes. Do these guys not know that “chicks dig the long ball”?

My question is this: Who would be the next person to go deep? So below is my list, and just like a NCAA bracket, I have some underdogs. Here they are in order of most likely to hit a homerun next: James, Wimer, Dave, Tyler, and Scott.

Yes, James folks. It’s true that he is more likely to foul out than hit a homerun but I’ve seen some that he has hit that I thought was going to go over the fence. The logical choice would be Dave or Wimer seeing as how I know they can rip the ball but this isn’t about logical. This is about picking the winner.

Maybe we could start a money pool. Chip in ten bucks for the guy you think will hit it over first and if they do you win the money. I know we have some gamblers on the team who would love this idea. I got ten bucks on James.

Am I going to be wrong? Let’s just say that I’m sure this article might inspire a few to dig a little deeper, totally blowing my predictions. I clearly don’t condone swinging for the fences; March-Westin’s winning ways are not based on the long ball. It’s based on pure, unadulterated, fundamentally solid, “will the bleeding ever stop”, beat downs. So let’s focus on winning first, let’s get that 15-20 run lead and then go yard. Winning comes first.

P.S. Swing for the fences James, I got money riding on this…

There are some things I have learned throughout my softball career. Things like: Its REALLY never over until the last out, Jackson will show up 2 minutes before the game starts, and at some point during the season I WILL get hurt.

However, on Monday May 8^th, the unthinkable happened. If anyone said they expected it or saw it coming, I can show you a liar. Tom, the same guy who had a swinging bunt in the first game, hit one over the fence. Yes, I will repeat: Tom, the same guy who hit the ball a total of 3 feet in our first game, hit one over the outfield wall.

Give that a moment to soak in.

Maybe it was the cold night; the ball was flying a little better. Perhaps the Mexican food he ate before the game. Who knows? All I know is that Tom has entered his name into the “Chasing Ruth” sweepstakes.

Yes, this was a great accomplishment but one has to question the way the homerun came about. No, this part of the story isn’t going to contain a reference to steroids, have you seen Tom? Clearly not a steroid related homerun.

As the game began, Tom was overheard telling Jackson not to waste the homerun/double being the leadoff hitter. So Jackson, being the TEAM player, not concerned about individual stats keeps the ball in the park. Tom comes up to bat next and you guessed it March-Westin fans, Tom goes yard.

What happened to saving the homerun/double? Was this a plan just to enter his name into “The Chase”? Was Tom being statistically selfish or just a fluke display of “power”?

I know what I choose.

So here’s the “Chasing Ruth” update:

Jackson – 1
Nick – 1
Tom (yes, Tom) – 1

There are some things in softball I have yet to learn, let alone understand…